LEAKED: Heidi Heitkamp’s Personal Agenda for Upcoming Bus Tour
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
October 31, 2018
CONTACT:
The liberal alumni of Media Matters and Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC running this campaign.
My “Pretend North Dakota is Still My Home” Tour
Thursday, Nov 1
*Former* VP Rally
10:30 AM – Ask Joe Biden to not say something bad during the rally.
11:30 AM – Apologize for whatever Joe Biden says during the rally.
Valley City
3:15 PM – Rewatch the rally with the sound off.
Jamestown
5:45 PM – Call sexual assault victims to apologize.
6:00 PM – Continue attacking Kevin Cramer.
Friday, Nov 2
Mandan
8:00 AM – Check in on my house (not the $1 million DC home, the other one).
Fort Yates
11:00 AM – Tell tribes how easy it is to vote in North Dakota, despite what my campaign says.
Killdeer
4:15 PM – Talk to Kylie Oversen about our mutual support for Hillary Clinton.
Dickinson
6:15 PM – Argue with Baker Boy Donuts employees about the tax cuts.
Saturday, Nov 3
Williston
8:15 AM – approve campaign’s political attacks.
8:45 AM – Let my chief of staff yell at reporters who don’t write friendly stories.
New Town
11:00 AM – Find more unpopular former politicians to be campaign surrogates.
Rugby
4:30 PM – Brag about supporting Obamacare, which drove up health care premiums 44%.
Belcourt
5:45 PM – Hope voters forget I did nothing during the DAPL protests.
Sunday, Nov 4
Devils Lake
6:15 PM – Ask Chuck Schumer what positions I’m allowed to take this week.
St. Michael
10:15 AM – Let my official office keep attacking a veteran.
Mayville
2:45 PM – Knock the doors of reliable Republicans because our data isn’t very good.
Wahpeton
5:45 PM – Pledge to repeal the tax cuts since they’re working so poorly in North Dakota (I think?).
Monday, Nov 5
Bismarck
8:45 AM – Resist the urge to discuss repeated abortion flip-flops.
Minot
11:30 AM – Pretend to be a moderate to fool the western, conservative part of the state.
Grand Forks
4:15 PM – Pretend to be a liberal to fool the eastern, moderate part of the state.
Fargo
6:45 PM – Dismiss “sanctuary cities” as a scare tactic one final time.
Tuesday, Nov 6
Fargo HQ
8:01 PM – Concede to Kevin Cramer.
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Morning Joel?
Heidi Heitkamp’s brother and de-facto campaign spokesman Joel continued his auditions for a spot on MSNBC this morning, and it’s safe to say it didn’t go well.