Following her lackluster debate performance Friday, Heidi Heitkamp’s campaign has tried to convince voters they have momentum simply by telling voters they have momentum.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
October 31, 2018
My “Pretend North Dakota is Still My Home” Tour
Thursday, Nov 1
*Former* VP Rally
10:30 AM – Ask Joe Biden to not say something bad during the rally.
11:30 AM – Apologize for whatever Joe Biden says during the rally.
3:15 PM – Rewatch the rally with the sound off.
5:45 PM – Call sexual assault victims to apologize.
6:00 PM – Continue attacking Kevin Cramer.
Friday, Nov 2
8:00 AM – Check in on my house (not the $1 million DC home, the other one).
11:00 AM – Tell tribes how easy it is to vote in North Dakota, despite what my campaign says.
6:15 PM – Argue with Baker Boy Donuts employees about the tax cuts.
Saturday, Nov 3
8:15 AM – approve campaign’s political attacks.
8:45 AM – Let my chief of staff yell at reporters who don’t write friendly stories.
11:00 AM – Find more unpopular former politicians to be campaign surrogates.
4:30 PM – Brag about supporting Obamacare, which drove up health care premiums 44%.
5:45 PM – Hope voters forget I did nothing during the DAPL protests.
Sunday, Nov 4
6:15 PM – Ask Chuck Schumer what positions I’m allowed to take this week.
10:15 AM – Let my official office keep attacking a veteran.
2:45 PM – Knock the doors of reliable Republicans because our data isn’t very good.
5:45 PM – Pledge to repeal the tax cuts since they’re working so poorly in North Dakota (I think?).
Monday, Nov 5
8:45 AM – Resist the urge to discuss repeated abortion flip-flops.
11:30 AM – Pretend to be a moderate to fool the western, conservative part of the state.
4:15 PM – Pretend to be a liberal to fool the eastern, moderate part of the state.
6:45 PM – Dismiss “sanctuary cities” as a scare tactic one final time.
Tuesday, Nov 6
8:01 PM – Concede to Kevin Cramer.