LEAKED: Heidi Heitkamp’s Personal Agenda for Upcoming Bus Tour

The North Dakota Republican Party did not actually obtain Heidi Heitkamp’s personal copy of her upcoming bus tour, but if we did, we think it would look something like this…


October 31, 2018


The liberal alumni of Media Matters and Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC running this campaign.

My “Pretend North Dakota is Still My Home” Tour

Thursday, Nov 1

*Former* VP Rally

10:30 AM – Ask Joe Biden to not say something bad during the rally.

11:30 AM – Apologize for whatever Joe Biden says during the rally.

Valley City

3:15 PM – Rewatch the rally with the sound off.


5:45 PMCall sexual assault victims to apologize.

6:00 PMContinue attacking Kevin Cramer.

Friday, Nov 2


8:00 AM – Check in on my house (not the $1 million DC home, the other one).

Fort Yates

11:00 AM – Tell tribes how easy it is to vote in North Dakota, despite what my campaign says.


4:15 PM – Talk to Kylie Oversen about our mutual support for Hillary Clinton.


6:15 PM – Argue with Baker Boy Donuts employees about the tax cuts.

Saturday, Nov 3


8:15 AMapprove campaign’s political attacks.

8:45 AMLet my chief of staff yell at reporters who don’t write friendly stories.

New Town

11:00 AM – Find more unpopular former politicians to be campaign surrogates.


4:30 PM – Brag about supporting Obamacare, which drove up health care premiums 44%.


5:45 PM – Hope voters forget I did nothing during the DAPL protests.

Sunday, Nov 4

Devils Lake

6:15 PMAsk Chuck Schumer what positions I’m allowed to take this week.

St. Michael

10:15 AM – Let my official office keep attacking a veteran.


2:45 PM – Knock the doors of reliable Republicans because our data isn’t very good.


5:45 PM – Pledge to repeal the tax cuts since they’re working so poorly in North Dakota (I think?).

Monday, Nov 5


8:45 AM – Resist the urge to discuss repeated abortion flip-flops.


11:30 AM – Pretend to be a moderate to fool the western, conservative part of the state.

Grand Forks

4:15 PM – Pretend to be a liberal to fool the eastern, moderate part of the state.


6:45 PM – Dismiss “sanctuary cities” as a scare tactic one final time.

Tuesday, Nov 6

Fargo HQ

8:01 PM – Concede to Kevin Cramer.


Put North Dakota First